ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
