she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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