so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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