Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
