So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
