So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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