The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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