So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
