saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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