Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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