I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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