Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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