I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Randomize
