If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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