Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
two words: eviction party
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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