Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
