I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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