I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
