I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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