everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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