Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
