So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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