youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
