had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
