My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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