i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
