3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
