he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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