yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
