Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Randomize
