No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
