Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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