shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We need to get me chipped asap
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
