God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
