There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
