my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
