i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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