Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
