My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
