The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
