I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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