I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
