We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
