I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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