mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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