$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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