Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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