How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
