My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
