I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
