If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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