dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
