sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
