Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I am spending my child support on dildos
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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